After seeing that cartoon, I was inspired to try to find the photocopy of a comment book we used to keep behind the information desk at a legendary, but unfortunately now-defunct, independent bookstore in Atlanta, one of my better summer jobs. Thought I'd type it in and share what I've managed to find so far in order to save it for posterity... Enjoy!
"Do you know where your books are?"
"Is this information for customers?"
"I've never been to your bookstore before. Do we have to buy books, or can we check them out?"
"I've never been in your store before. Are your books on shelves?"
"After I buy these books, what do I do with them?"
"I'd like to return these books now. I've finished them."
"I'm looking for a book, but I don't know if it's fiction or non-fiction. It's called Interview with a Vampire."
Q: "I'd like to make a return."
A: "Okay, please just fill out this form and sign under 'customer.'"
Q: "But I'm not a customer."
A: "Why not?"
Q: "Because I'm not buying anything."
"Can you tell me where to find Utopia?"
"Do you have Dickens in Old English?"
"Oxford University Press isn't affiliated with Oxford University, is it?"
"It's a 4-book trilogy..."
"Do you have the dictionary on tape?"
Q: "Do you have anything on how to crunk a car?"
A: "Crunk a car?"
Q: "Yes, my car won't crunk. It's an '86 Ford Tempo."
A: "Well, you could try looking with the repair manuals..."
Q: "Can you look up 'crunk' in that computer?"
Q: "Do you still have that tape?"
A: "What tape are you looking for?"
Q: "Joseph Campbell."
A: "Yes, we do have copies of that."
Q: "I'd like three."
A: "Volume three?"
Q: "No, numbers 2, 4, 5, and 6."
Q: "Do you have a videotape that will teach me to write better?"
A: "I don't think so. You'd probably do better with one of the books in the Speech & Writing section."
Q: "No, I don't have time for a book."
Q: "Ok, the book you're looking for would be in the Medicine section in the next room on the far wall."
A: "Is that also where the stamp albums would be?"
"Do you have 'Love and Time to Color' by the man who wrote this book?" [100 Years of Solitude] and "Do you have 'Love in the Time of Cleopatra'?"
Q: "I have a spastic colon. Do you have first aid for a spastic colon?"
A: "Um, I don't know... What would first aid for a spastic colon entail?"
Q: "Now, that's a personal question!" [Customer storms out.]
"Do you have Illusions by Jonathan Livingston Seagull?"
"Special orders, may I help you?"
(On telephone) "Yes, I talked with you the other day about... Oh, never mind, here it is." (Hangs up.)
Q: "May I borrow your ladder?"
A: "Well, no... but I can get a book down from overstock for you if you need it."
Q: "I have to see what's up there first."
A: "Have you checked to see if a copy is down on the shelf first?"
Q: "No. Aren't all the Occult books up there?"
"Do you have 'People Are Funny in the Head' by Celestine Sibley?"
"I'm looking for a Chitlin car manual."
"Do you have any books on Black Anus cows?"
"Where is your nonfiction?"
"Do you special order paperbacks?"
"Do you have any books on genital heart defects?"
"Where do I find books on Golden Retrievers... like, dogs?"
"Do you have the book 'Basic Beating'? I think it's by Allen Ginsberg."
"I'd like to order a book, please. The title is Citizens. That's the plural of 'citizen.'"
Q: "When are Lewis Grizzard's two new books due out?"
A: "Well, I'm not sure..."
Q: "They said April, so will you have them this month?" [March]
A: "We'll probably not get them until April then."
Q: "That's odd."
Q: "Do you have the Power of Myth by Joseph Camel?"
A: "One hump or two?"
Q: (On phone) "I heard your bookstore was open every day. Is that correct?"
Q: "Does that mean Wednesday, too?"
A: "Yes, of course."
Q: "Well, most doctors are off on Wednesday..."
"Do you have 'The Wizard of Floss' by Baum?"
Q: "I'm looking for 'Ambushed at the Race Track.'"
A: "You mean Ambush at Osirak?"
Q: "Is Osirak a race track?"
A: "I think it's a city in Iran."
Q: "So, they do have race tracks in Iran! I thought the Ayatollah would have gotten rid of those by now..."
Q: (On phone) "Is Alice Walker still there for the book signing?"
A: "Yes, she'll be here for a couple more minutes..."
Q: "Well, could you please put her on the phone?"
"Is this where you order books that are out of print but are still being printed?"
"Do you have 'Idiots of the Confederacy' by Dunne?" [They meant Confederacy of Dunces by Toole.]
"I'm looking for a book on cooking with filo pastry. Would it be in the cooking section?"
Q: "So, when will that book be out?"
A: "Sometime after the first of the year."
"We are open 365 days a year."
"Does that mean Sunday?"
Q: "What are your weekend hours?"
A: "9 a.m. through 2 a.m."
Q: "You mean you're only open for 5 hours?!"
Q: "I can't tell who works here and who are the customers..."
A: "Oh, it's easy! The employees are the ones in the red vests." [Actually, we wore blue...]
Q: "I'm looking for a global map of the world."
A: "Do you mean a wall map?"
Q: "No, a global map of the world."
A: "Oh, you mean a globe."
Q: "No, a global map of the world. It's round and on a stand."
A: "Yes, we have those."
Q: "Well, I want one of the world."
And last, but not least...
Q: "Did you get that hole in the bathroom fixed?"
Q: "Did you ever get complaints about it?"
Q: "So you got it fixed?"
Q: "Too bad. I liked it."
Categories: Books, Humor